Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

There is so much I was going to do today. I had planned on accomplishing a lot of things. All that marking, those reports to be written, they were going to be ticked off my list. But…then you decided to visit. Firstly, you were not invited. My tablets are supposed to stop you from coming around uninvited too…but you just don’t get the hint, do you? You’re like an ex who just keeps calling and calling, even when they can see that you’ve moved on.

So, now that you’re here, guess how much of my list I have completed? That was rhetorical, you don’t need to answer. If you’re not sure though, the answer is none. I have done nothing that I was supposed to do. I was supposed to take over the world today. Instead, the world is taking over me. It is debilitating, weighing down on my shoulders. It is making me jump at every single noise, turn quickly to every flash of movement. It is preparing me for the horrifying possibility of my phone ringing. Hey, it even convinced me that the plane flying overhead this morning was going to crash on me. Yep, I had prepared myself for the escape route and all. As you can tell, no plane crashed, and while I was sitting there stressing about it, everyone else was getting things ticked off their list.

Guess what else I have done today since you decided to visit? I have gone to the toilet a lot, even though I’ve hardly eaten. You have a knack of causing that. Let's see? I have tapped my foot against the floor enough to burn at least 1000 calories. I have also checked my phone a million times, stared at the wall for about half an hour (not all at once of course, you wouldn’t allow for that level of relaxation). I have taken my puffer convinced that I’m having an asthma attack. Oh, I’ve also nearly completely bitten the nail off one of my fingers, though I’ll count that one as an accomplishment. I need to give myself some encouragement.

Anyway, I don’t want to be rude, but I’d appreciate it if you left now. You see, everyone else will complete their list, and I’ll still be lagging behind, which no doubt will cause you to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. Meh, even when the list if finally done you’ll probably just decide to hang around and tell me that I’m not exercising enough, or I’m not reading enough, or that I’m simply not good enough. And if you don’t manage to be that harsh, I’m sure you’ll converse with all the planes, making sure they all fly ominously overhead, as low as they possibly can. Ha, and you’ll no doubt decide to pull all those files out of my brain that are well hidden…you know, the ones that are stamped “Past experiences - don’t read” because they always set me off into a traumatic downward spiral. That won’t be enough will it? No doubt you’ll get into the “fears and dreads” file too, and just for entertainment, you’ll watch them replay again and again and again in my mind, until I’m so convinced that I’m caught in the  midst of my last breathes, that I have to call my loved one's and tell them that my time is almost up.

Yep, you’re definitely that toxic friend that you try to cut out of your life, but you just keep finding your way back in. So anxiety, take a hint. Our friendship is long expired. I have things to do, and a life to live, and I plan on doing it without you in it.

Regards,

Em 

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