This blog is dedicated entirely to my catastrophic childhood disasters. Now to say I had an eventful childhood is the understatement of the year, but I believe there are a few certain events that made it was it was. Now my two lovely older siblings can both vouch for these incidents, in fact they both feature in them. So, I give you my top five. (For those of you who don't know I am a natural blonde. This may help you to understand why I appear to be the common denominator in these).
Disclaimer - Descriptions of people may not be entirely accurate. Except of myself of course. I was perfect.
5- Lego Dancing
The year was 1986. I was a innocent little 3 year old living with quite a few different teenagers. So, being 3 I have very little recollection of this, yet this is how I'm told it. I was dancing with one of the teenage boys, (strange already huh, me dancing with a boy), then I slip, fall on lego, and break my arm. I know this doesn't sound too interesting, but I always feel more proud telling people how I first broke my arm when their story is usually boring. The second time I broke it was when a huge inflatable ball rolled over it. I will give you a picture of lego now just to keep you interested.
4 - BMX Bandit
I may be a little modest, but to tell you the truth, I was a pretty damn adorable kid. I mean, what more could one want than a little blonde haired, blue eyed doll, who walks around with their pants falling off and hands down their bum, resulting in lovely crawling worms. (My sisters were highly embarrassed by this, particularly with the added charm of WOOO written in black bold letters on my pink stackhat. I could not write the letter D at the time). Anway, back to the story. So there I was, this movie star good looking child, with a heart of gold, and voice of an angel. Now my middle sister, she was not quite as angelic as I was. One sunny day, as my blonde hair was shimmering from the rays above, I was relaxing on the concrete, when along comes my sister. Let's call her subject B. Subject B was carrying some puppy fat, I was carrying only skin and bones. Subject B approached me on her bike, as I was still laying on the concrete. "Move", she ordered to me. "No", I sweetly replied. "Move or I'll ride over you", she bellowed. My harmonious voice replied with a friendly no yet again. So...what does Subject B do... that's right.She rides her bike right over her darling little sister. Needless to say I remember very little except for waking up in my bunk bed after a severe concussion, with the doctor over at the house. Keep reading on for even crazier work from Subject B.
3. Bike goes Snap!
Even though this disaster is predominately more about myself, I'd like to introduce you to Subject A (AKA my eldest sister). Subject A is a few years older and was as tough as nails. If you ever wanted a job done, you would get her to help, and still can to this day. Luckily she was with me on Snap day. Now, back in the 90's I desperately wanted a new bike for my birthday. Due to being a bit strapped on cash, and well for just being a super awesome dedicated dad, I received my old bike spray painted and done up instead...which I LOVED!! Ok, now the year was probably about 1993, and it was the night of parent teacher interviews. As my mother was inside hearing about her perfect daughter's intelligence and charm, myself and Subject A rode our bikes around the primary school. I remember turning a corner, hitting the brakes, and then BAM...I'm holding just half of my bike. Yes you read it correct, half of the bike. My super awesome pink spraypainted bike had snapped in half. And Subject A, being the quick thinker she was, had a solution. Mum's boot was broken into, the bike was placed neatly in two halves in it, and I was dinked home.
2 - Hair Cake
Ok, this event is nearly exactly as the title suggests. I was in grade 5 (the same year as the bike snapping incident. My hair must have been a shade lighter that year). I am actually starting to get a little bored explaining these stories so sorry if I start hurrying them along. So I have never been much of a cook. I find it boring, a waste of time, and detromental to my self esteem. I think I should have seen the signs of this when I made my first cake, but alas, I didn't. Putting the ingredients in the bowl was no problem, and I couldn't wait to lick the beaters, but before that of course, I had to use them to mix the cake. Beaters are on, spinning, spinning, my blonde hair swaying ...when suddenly...my blonde hair was spinning in the beaters. Yep, my gold locks got themselves stuck in the electric whirlpools. Now instead of turning them off I put them up to highest speed in a panic. Needless to say my long locks were soon cut out of the beaters, and transformed into short locks. I think the weirdest part of this though is that the family still ate the hair filled cake. I think they lied to me...I mean...they can't be that crazy...can they?
1 - Gone Fishing
And the number 1 incident in childhood disasters once again involves Subject B. I'll cut straight to the chase, if you're still reading you probably have to go to work or update your facebook status or something by now. First and only time fishing was on a family holiday when I was around 4 or 5. Once again I was just innocently watching the others when Subject B swung her fishbook back...right...into...my...eye. That's right, the same eye in the picture on the blog's homepage is the same eye that had a fishhook in it. Although, the silver lining definitely existed that day, as the bribary for me to stand still while it was removed was a toy from the tourist toy shop. So...Subject B puts a fishhook in my eye, and I get a toy capgun. No prizes for guessing who I was aiming it at that time. Oh you assholes thought I was talking about Subject B. Of course not, I was aiming it at the fishhook. Hmm, you can tell it's late at night and I have written way tooooo much for my attention span as now I'm crapping on about nothing. Once again I'll leave you with a clip, this one comes from a scene from my favourite childhood movie 'The Wizard'.
"I love the powerglove...it's so bad".
Disclaimer - Descriptions of people may not be entirely accurate. Except of myself of course. I was perfect.
5- Lego Dancing
The year was 1986. I was a innocent little 3 year old living with quite a few different teenagers. So, being 3 I have very little recollection of this, yet this is how I'm told it. I was dancing with one of the teenage boys, (strange already huh, me dancing with a boy), then I slip, fall on lego, and break my arm. I know this doesn't sound too interesting, but I always feel more proud telling people how I first broke my arm when their story is usually boring. The second time I broke it was when a huge inflatable ball rolled over it. I will give you a picture of lego now just to keep you interested.
4 - BMX Bandit
I may be a little modest, but to tell you the truth, I was a pretty damn adorable kid. I mean, what more could one want than a little blonde haired, blue eyed doll, who walks around with their pants falling off and hands down their bum, resulting in lovely crawling worms. (My sisters were highly embarrassed by this, particularly with the added charm of WOOO written in black bold letters on my pink stackhat. I could not write the letter D at the time). Anway, back to the story. So there I was, this movie star good looking child, with a heart of gold, and voice of an angel. Now my middle sister, she was not quite as angelic as I was. One sunny day, as my blonde hair was shimmering from the rays above, I was relaxing on the concrete, when along comes my sister. Let's call her subject B. Subject B was carrying some puppy fat, I was carrying only skin and bones. Subject B approached me on her bike, as I was still laying on the concrete. "Move", she ordered to me. "No", I sweetly replied. "Move or I'll ride over you", she bellowed. My harmonious voice replied with a friendly no yet again. So...what does Subject B do... that's right.She rides her bike right over her darling little sister. Needless to say I remember very little except for waking up in my bunk bed after a severe concussion, with the doctor over at the house. Keep reading on for even crazier work from Subject B.
3. Bike goes Snap!
Even though this disaster is predominately more about myself, I'd like to introduce you to Subject A (AKA my eldest sister). Subject A is a few years older and was as tough as nails. If you ever wanted a job done, you would get her to help, and still can to this day. Luckily she was with me on Snap day. Now, back in the 90's I desperately wanted a new bike for my birthday. Due to being a bit strapped on cash, and well for just being a super awesome dedicated dad, I received my old bike spray painted and done up instead...which I LOVED!! Ok, now the year was probably about 1993, and it was the night of parent teacher interviews. As my mother was inside hearing about her perfect daughter's intelligence and charm, myself and Subject A rode our bikes around the primary school. I remember turning a corner, hitting the brakes, and then BAM...I'm holding just half of my bike. Yes you read it correct, half of the bike. My super awesome pink spraypainted bike had snapped in half. And Subject A, being the quick thinker she was, had a solution. Mum's boot was broken into, the bike was placed neatly in two halves in it, and I was dinked home.
Here is a filmclip of the very first vinyl single I owned. I think I was about 5 when I chose it.
Ok, this event is nearly exactly as the title suggests. I was in grade 5 (the same year as the bike snapping incident. My hair must have been a shade lighter that year). I am actually starting to get a little bored explaining these stories so sorry if I start hurrying them along. So I have never been much of a cook. I find it boring, a waste of time, and detromental to my self esteem. I think I should have seen the signs of this when I made my first cake, but alas, I didn't. Putting the ingredients in the bowl was no problem, and I couldn't wait to lick the beaters, but before that of course, I had to use them to mix the cake. Beaters are on, spinning, spinning, my blonde hair swaying ...when suddenly...my blonde hair was spinning in the beaters. Yep, my gold locks got themselves stuck in the electric whirlpools. Now instead of turning them off I put them up to highest speed in a panic. Needless to say my long locks were soon cut out of the beaters, and transformed into short locks. I think the weirdest part of this though is that the family still ate the hair filled cake. I think they lied to me...I mean...they can't be that crazy...can they?
1 - Gone Fishing
And the number 1 incident in childhood disasters once again involves Subject B. I'll cut straight to the chase, if you're still reading you probably have to go to work or update your facebook status or something by now. First and only time fishing was on a family holiday when I was around 4 or 5. Once again I was just innocently watching the others when Subject B swung her fishbook back...right...into...my...eye. That's right, the same eye in the picture on the blog's homepage is the same eye that had a fishhook in it. Although, the silver lining definitely existed that day, as the bribary for me to stand still while it was removed was a toy from the tourist toy shop. So...Subject B puts a fishhook in my eye, and I get a toy capgun. No prizes for guessing who I was aiming it at that time. Oh you assholes thought I was talking about Subject B. Of course not, I was aiming it at the fishhook. Hmm, you can tell it's late at night and I have written way tooooo much for my attention span as now I'm crapping on about nothing. Once again I'll leave you with a clip, this one comes from a scene from my favourite childhood movie 'The Wizard'.
"I love the powerglove...it's so bad".
You have me in stitches yet again. I guess that's why I married you
ReplyDeleteEm this is so beautifully written. And so so funny! love your work.
ReplyDelete