Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Lies

So, I went on a cruise last week, and learnt a few things. These things included:
-throwing a cocktail over a man will cause you to get your card blacklisted
-many people are still trapped in the 90's
-there are some very bad tattoos around the place
-packing 17 reading books can not replace the one missing wedding shoe you left at home
-parents lie.

Ok, I want to focus on the last one. Parents lie, I mean really lie. Not lie as in the "you can be anything you want, or do anything you want" kind of lie where you end up injured trying to jump off a roof thinking you can fly, but I mean the little white lies. For example, did anyone else not actually realise that a pool WILL NOT change colour if you pee in it? Seriously, I only found this out the other day when my sister informed me that it actually does not have some special chemical in it that causes it to change colour. All the peeing in a pool I could have done as a kid, but no, I went to the effort of pulling the bathers aside in the toilet instead. As I discussed this with my sister and father we conjured a list of lies our parents have told us, some are minor lies, others not so much. So in no particular order here are the top 10.

10. Pool water changes colour if you urinate in it.

9. Eating carrots makes you see better. (This is so stupid, I have a friend whose mother gave her too many carrots as a kid, and she ended up turning slightly orange like an Oompa Loompa. True story, her mum took her to the doctors about it.)

8. The wind may change leaving you stuck forever with the face you are pulling. I do wonder if this has happened to some people. I do see some people who have very unpleasant expressions permanently plastered to their face at times. I guess not everyone is lucky enough to be as naturally beautiful as I am.

7. That your older siblings got the same treatment as you. This is a total utter lie. I have found that I got things harsher as I had to suffer for the mistakes of my elder siblings. So it's like, they were the guinea-pigs, they always did the wrong thing, and I got the repercussions.

6. You have to wait an hour after eating to swim or you get a cramp and die. Believe it or not, this is not true. How many people do you actually know that have died from this? The cramp would be from overeating, not going in the water. So, stop eating so much. Simple solution.

5.If you swallow chewing gum it stays in your throat, builds up, and wait for it...you die. This one put a lot of fear in me as a child. Everytime I swallowed chewy I envisioned it lodging itself into the back of my throat and building a chewing gum wall that would end up ripping at my lungs and killing me. I still get nervous about it to this day.

4. That your cat or dog went to a farm. Where is this farm they talk about? There must be many, many ill and old cats and dogs just hanging out there.

3.If you eat the pips the fruit will grow out of your ears. Seriously, another one I believed. I don't know if I was stupid, but fruit growing out of ears?? If only bananas had pips, well help save some money.

2.You won't get in trouble if you tell the truth. One word - BULLSHIT! You get your ass kicked when you tell the truth. "Yes dad, I did get drunk and play basketball in the church competition". Nothing good came of this, I learnt to just lie more after I got punished. "Yes mum, I started the fight, it was all me". Seriously? Never tell the truth kids, you just get in more trouble.

1. Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy are true. This is a heartbreaker. This destroys all dreams. Although, and I know this will cause some controversy, I am still yet to work out the difference between the Santa story and the Jesus story. Hmm, so how come one remains false as it can't be proven, yet the other remains true. Beats me.

Anyway, that's all for now kids. My ipod should have charged enough to go for a run. I had a few more lies but I found these to be the best. Thanks to my big sis and father for helping me out with these, although who knows if dad didn't give me a whole lot more lies and what I've written is not true. Here's a clip to leave you with that I find apt for the post.



Oh, and while it's on my mind here is an awesome site that shows you misspelled words and grammar errors commonly made. Do it! It's good for your brain.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling

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